One of the reasons I fell in love with my wife was because she was a great listener.
Her big blue eyes drank me in as she paid rapt attention when I spoke. She would lean in, nod, reach out, touch me, nod, smile, gasp, furrow her brow as I spoke.
She made me feel important.
And she remembered what I said because she’d reference it later.
She was a natural.
I am a natural listener. As an introvert, I observe, pay attention and absorb nearly everything.
I learned to be more expressive when listening from my wife (and from public speaking).
So people like talking to me. I like talking to them too.
Usually.
I’ve got a friend who used to be a great listener. I remember his eyes drinking me in the same way my wife’s did. He’d lean forward, nod, reach out and engage when I spoke to him.
But in recent years, he’s changed.
Now nearly every conversation we have is All About Him. His finances, his job, his therapy, his happiness or lack of it, his anxiety, his problems, yada, yada, yada.
Most of the time, I’m willing to put up with it. I can listen attentively and be the friend (or ear) he needs.
We’ve been friends a long time.
However, I’ve had to limit how long and how often I do this because it’s annoying as shit. I have the gird myself for our calls. Even when I was post-op, his perfunctory inquiry into how I was doing was immediately followed up by a lengthy soliloquy about his work, his issues, and his feelings.
He also remembers only part of what we talk about. It’s as if when I am speaking, he’s not paying attention. (Duh. He’s not.)
Fortunately for both of us, my friend has built a social circle of other people he can commiserate with. He likes commiserating. A lot. Otherwise, he is generally satisfied and not in desperate need of me to fill some kind of quasi-therapist role.
Who knows, maybe he’s bored by our conversations and my stories. If so, I can appreciate that. I’m a weirdo.
Our calls have dropped from daily to weekly. We chat for half an hour before running out of things to talk about. He’s not interested in the things that I’m interested in anymore.
Perhaps our calls will drop to monthly next.
My wife once told me that marriage was falling in-and-out of love with the same person over and over again.
At the time, I was gaga for her and said that would never happen for me.
Then, of course, it did. She was right.
I think friendship is like that too. It ebbs and flows.
If it’s Always All About You, I’ll eventually pull back. Just like I’d expect you to withdraw if it becomes All About Me.
It gives us both room to form new friendships, focus on something else and grow in a different direction.
I think that is how it is supposed to be.